


Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself

by lilsmartass



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Fear, Five And One, Gen, Horror, Humour, Phobias, Spiders are evil
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-09
Updated: 2012-10-09
Packaged: 2017-11-15 22:45:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/532603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilsmartass/pseuds/lilsmartass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Everyone’s afraid of something. Five times Natasha saved the Avengers from spiders and one time they saved her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself

**Author's Note:**

> Rating: PG
> 
> Disclaimer: None of this is mine. I don’t won the Avengers or any of the other shows/books to which there are minor references in this work.
> 
> Warning/Spoilers: Totally unsuitable for arachnaphobics, pre-slash Tony/Steve if those are the goggles you wear 
> 
> Genre: Humour, Horror, Crack, protective!Avengers

** Nothing to Fear but Fear Itself (Unless it has too may legs) **

 

**1: Bruce, Steve and Tony**

Tony was ashamed to say that he didn’t know exactly how long Bruce had been missing. He remembered the other man muttering something about coffee and promising to return as quickly as possible. That had been several pages of coding ago though. Tony straightened and looked around the room, he wasn’t exactly sure why, he didn’t exactly think Bruce was going to be hiding behind a work bench. “JARVIS?”

“Yes sir?”

“Where’s Bruce?”

“Doctor Banner is in the kitchen on level 7.”

“Huh. How long has he been there?”

“Forty two minutes sir.”

Tony raised an eyebrow at nothing. How long did it take to make a cup of coffee? The others must be in there he concluded, and they must be having a pretty epic discussion to be able to distract Bruce from the sonicator algorithms he had enlisted Tony’s help in programming. “OK. Thanks JARVIS. I’ll go and get him before we start the next section.”

He took the elevator up and wandered along to the kitchen. He couldn’t hear anything though, and it was on the tip of his tongue to ask JARVIS if anything was wrong. He shook his head sternly. He was just being paranoid, no one and nothing could get into the tower undetected and JARVIS was programmed to sound an alert in the case of a medical emergency with any of the Avengers. He entered the kitchen and blinked, surprised and alarmed to see Bruce, pressed flat against the wall in one of the far corners. The lines of his face were tense and unhappy and his skin was rippling with green like waves under a covering. “Bruce?” Tony questioned warily, tensing ready for danger.

Bruce’s eyes darted up to meet his for a fraction of a second and Tony noted the terror in their vibrant green deaths, “Tony,” he choked out around his ragged breathing, “Can you-” He extended a hand slowly and pointed at the floor, or more accurately at a large brown dot settled about two foot away from him.

Tony was not exactly proud of the whimpering screaming sound that left his mouth. But, in his defence, it was the biggest spider he had ever seen. “Can you get past it?” he asked with the kind of concern he usually reserved for questions about bombs that were about to explode courtesy of the super villain of the week.

Bruce shook his head, he sounded on the verge of tears as he said, “It’s between me and the door and I can’t- can’t-” his skin rippled poisonously again, “ _Tony_ ,” he wailed.

“OK, OK big guy, it’s fine,” Tony soothed automatically, half wondering if Hulk might be the best option because Hulk would probably smash the damn thing, but the kitchen really wasn’t Hulk proof and Hulk would probably smash up the rest of the floor and the only working wii was on this floor so...”It’s fine, calm down. I’m going to go get Steve OK?”

Bruce took a deep breath and wrenched his body back to human. “OK,” he agreed, doing a passable impression of his usual Zen calm, “OK. Just...just be quick.”

Tony nodded his own agreement. “Two minutes,” he promised.

Steve came running as soon as Tony summoned him on the intercom outside the kitchen door. He was still wearing his gym clothes but had obviously taken a detour to grab his shield, the sound of Tony’s hesitant, panicky voice announcing, “a...situation, in the kitchen,” having made him nervous.

“What? What is it?”

Tony pointed tremulously, and then screwed up his courage, because damned if he was going to look like a complete coward in front of Steve, and followed him to where Steve was now peering hesitantly around the door himself. He couldn’t help from keeping the bulk of Steve and his shield, between him and the eight legged monstrosity though. He was surprised when Steve gave a slight squeak as he saw what Bruce was looking at and backed up a step sharply, squashing Tony’s whole foot. “Seriously?” Tony would have sniggered if he wasn’t so scared, “Captain America is scared of spiders?”

Steve shrugged defensively, “It sounds stupid now, but I used to be tiny! That thing is actually bigger than I was pre serum!”

Bruce looked like he was about to disagree with this but at that moment the spider moved slightly and anything he might have said was smothered by a scream that became a roar half way through before he once more ruthlessly thrust Hulk back down. “Steve, Steve do _something_ please.”

Steve looked slightly white; he glanced at Tony, looking for confirmation the way he did when giving orders in battle. “Clint. Even if Clint’s scared of them he’ll be able to throw something at it and kill it. I don’t want to risk it, I might miss and then it’d...move.” The three men gave a collective shudder.

“Agent Barton is not in the tower,” JARVIS interjected calmly.

Tony gave a slight whimper as the spider moved again, towards them this time and not Bruce at least. Steve held his ground, the same way he would draw enemy fire away from his teammates without a thought. “Can you get past it now Bruce?” he asked, voice level.

“I umm...no, I don’t think so. Oh god Steve it’s _huge_ and I’m not wearing any _shoes_!”

Steve nodded as he assimilated this new information. “It’s OK, we can deal with this. We can think of something. We’re Avengers.”

Tony nodded, eyes riveted to the floor, too afraid to even think of a sarcastic retort despite hiding behind Steve. At least they weren’t hemmed in by the thing, but they could hardly leave Bruce, on the verge of Hulking out, alone with it, not if they wanted to use this floor (or be able to look at themselves in the mirror) at any time in the next month.

“Problem gentlemen?” came Natasha’s cool and amused voice from behind them.

Steve flushed red up the back of his neck and ears. “It’s nothing,” he said, unconvincingly through the tremor in his voice.

Bruce however, cornered as he was, was far, far past pride. “It’s a spider Natasha and it’s huge,” he said, voice raw. “If you’re any good at dealing with them...” his voice held a hint of pleading.

Natasha snorted and pushed past Steve and Tony. She stopped in front of them and regarded it. There was a second of silence during which everyone half expected her to declare it far too big. “Can you calm down Doctor Banner,” she said levelly after a second, and Tony realised her wary expression was not for the spider at all. “I can get it but the Hulk and I...I’d appreciate it if you were calmer.”

“I’m trying,” Bruce managed, “I’m trying.”

“He’ll be fine once the spider’s gone,” Tony said, in as authoritative a tone as he could muster.

Natasha took a preparatory breath and stepped into the kitchen. She stooped towards the spider, cupped her hand, and picked it carefully up, folding the other hand over the top of it. Steve could see one long leg poking between her dainty fingers and shuddered. He and Tony both scrambled to get out of her way as she walked towards them still holding it. “Bohze moi,” she sighed, looking over at them, undeniable amusement touching her lips, “I’m going to find a window for this.”

Steve nodded, silent, eyes riveted to her hands.

“Thanks,” Bruce called out, voice hoarse.

“Celebratory drink?” Tony asked, even Steve nodded fervently.

Natasha smirked and wondered if she should tell them about her pet tarantula.

**2: Tony**

The incident had been all but forgotten, or at least tactfully unspoken of, by the time the next battle came round. The battle had been short. Tony and Clint had spent most of it clogging up the comms with composition of the scathing letter they were going to send to SHIELD when this was all done about when it was and was not appropriate for SHIELD to call in the Avengers. Run of the mill bank robbers, even if they were wearing masks and capes, were not good enough reason. They didn’t even have super powers for God’s sake. The others agreed, or at least Steve and Coulson did, Natasha could tell because no one had told Tony or Clint to shut up, not sternly enough to stop them at any rate.

So yes, a short battle. The hostages had been successfully rescued, the bank robber incarcerated. Tony was doing one final sweep of the area, scathing letter to SHIELD or not he was still a professional. The others had made their way over to the debriefing vehicle, only Natasha was left slowly wandering her way over at what she hoped looked like a leisurely pace so she wouldn’t have to admit to a twisted ankle from falling over an incorrectly sealed manhole cover. Clint would never let her hear the end of it.

There was an abrupt and gut wrenching scream over the comms. Natasha’s eyes instinctively went skyward. Tony was spasming wildly in mid air, arms and legs flailing wildly without any of his usual control and he was screaming. “Tony?” Natasha shouted into her own communicator. “Tony!”

She heard Steve echo her, a frantic note in his tone.

Tony was falling now and whilst the screaming had stopped it had been replaced by dry, terrified sobs. She didn’t even think about her ankle, simply raced for him. Behind her, she was vaguely aware of Steve doing the same, but he was far away, even with his speed. Tony crashed into the asphalt and let out a sound as the air rushed out of his lungs. He hadn’t been high thankfully, the suit should have protected him. “Tony?” she said again, skidding to a stop beside him and dropping to her knees beside the armoured figure.

“Get it out,” he whimpered, “get it out, get it out, get it out, getitiout.”

Natasha had grown up an agent. She had seen some horrific things. She had perpetrated many of them. None of that stopped the sheer icy terror at the sound of Tony Stark’s consummate persona stripped away to leave nothing left but this frantic fear. He was flailing again and she was forced to duck his arm to prevent a blow that would have separated her head from her shoulders. Steve came up beside them, his eyes as wide as she knew her own must be. “Tony?” he demanded, but even the tone that Tony was conditioned to obey elicited no more response than Natasha had done.

“We have to get him out of the armour,” she said, trying to sound like she knew what was happening. “Hold him down.”

Steve looked stricken by the necessity but didn’t dispute it. He put his whole weight and strength against Tony’s shoulders, holding him mostly prone. “There’s a release switch on the back of the helmet.”

She didn’t respond but dug her fingers behind Tony’s head, feeling around where his ears would be and pushing at the small depression she found there. The face plate slid back. Beneath it, Tony was white and panting, eyes rolling with terror. Steve took his chin in one hand and forced Tony to look at him. “What’s wrong Iron Man?” he demanded.

Tony visibly composed himself enough to speak. “It’s in the suit Steve. It’s...get it out... _get_ _it_ _out_!” he brought up the arm Steve had let go of to scrabble ineffectually at the armour, as though he was trying to rip it off.

Unasked, Natasha began feeling along the seams for more depressions, she pushed at each one she found and sections of the armour slid smoothly up and off with a slight grating sound. “What is it?” Steve asked, worry weighting his tone.

Natasha didn’t need to ask. One of the knee segments had just slid back to allow a reasonably sized spider to crawl from beneath it over Tony’s armour covered leg. “Get it out,” Tony whimpered helplessly, looking too frightened even to cry.

Steve flinched as he saw the spider and jerked his body to the side, away from it, but didn’t otherwise move. He forced Tony to look at him again. “It’s out Tony. It’s gone.”

“You...you sure?”

Natasha was mostly furious now that her heart was returning to its usual speed. “Stand down,” she growled into her comm, “alert over.” There was a clamour of questions, but she ignored them all. There were a lot of things she wanted to say to Tony, but there was no doubt that he was genuinely terrified. She sighed deeply, schooling her breathing, and her face back to neutral and scooped the spider up, depositing it on the road where it ran swiftly away. It probably hadn’t enjoyed being stuck in the suit any more than Tony had enjoyed having it there. “Yeah,” she said, “it’s gone.”

Steve gathered the still panting Tony into his arms and held him as he shook. “It’s OK,” he muttered.

Natasha shook her head. All this drama over a tiny spider.

 

**3: Clint**

In all fairness, Natasha wasn’t asleep anyway, not that she thought it would have stopped Clint even if she had been. Still at least it’s not screaming and panicking and making her believe he’s dying. Clint’s voice was admirably even as he laid out the problem calmly.

“Can’t it wait,” she said, irritated. “It’s midnight Clint!”

“Please Tash, I’ve been on the range all day. I really want to soak my muscles.”

She swore and hung up the phone, throwing it crossly onto the bed. For a moment she debated getting changed, but, at the end of the day, Clint has seen her in worse than Donald Duck pyjamas.

He was waiting for her by the door of his room, and despite her annoyance with the situation it warmed her somewhat to know that he never doubted she would come. She doesn’t see that this means she has to speak to him though. Instead, she brushed past and stomped deliberately across his room and into the bathroom.

In the decadently large bath Tony had equipped all of their bathrooms with was a brown spider. It was crouched, unmoving by the plug. She leant over and turned to cold tap on, creating a gushing waterfall. “You could have done this yourself you know,” she said sulkily.

Clint shuddered from where he was still standing by the door, looking over her shoulder in a sloppy imitation of parade rest. “I don’t like how their legs start kicking when they’re drowning.”

The water has washed the spider away to a watery grave by now and Natasha sighed. The poor thing didn’t deserve to die just because Clint was pathetic. She shouldn’t have taken her impatience with him out on it. “You owe me.”

He gave her his sardonic smile. “I owe you several. Want a unicorn for Christmas?”

She looked mildly intrigued but simply shook her head in fond exasperation. “You are all ridiculous.”

“You love us.”

She doesn’t answer that either. “I thought only children and helpless girls were afraid of spiders.”

He gave a self deprecating smirk and tilted his head. “Not exactly.”

“Next time I am not coming all the way down here.”

“Alright,” his smile said he didn’t believe her, “thanks for coming this time though.”

It wasn’t the first spider she’d caught for him, and Natasha isn’t stupid, she knew it wouldn’t be the last, but she was smiling as she left his room, content in a way she rarely is at her place in the lives of those she would never admit that she loves.

 

**4: Thor**

Thor was something of a surprise because he grew up in a warrior culture and his image of bravery is everything to him and besides, he’s enormous. He could crush a spider beneath his finger and barely notice. She startled at the unexpected and shockingly high screech therefore and dropped the toast she had been about to bite into. It landed butter side down, of course, and she spared a moment to sigh. “What is it Thor?” she demanded, looking up at the demi god at the worktop by the fridge.

He was looking at something beneath his hands with wide eyed horror. “There is a many legged creature in my grapes,” he says, backing away.

Natasha got up from her seat at the table and came to peer into the container. Sure enough, there was a tiny spider nestled between the fruits. “It’s just a spider,” she explained calmly.

Thor did not move back towards it. “It looks...menacing. We have nothing like this on Asgard.”

Natasha wanted to cry a little. How was this her life? She had thought Thor was merely surprised at the sight of a creature in his food and if he had never seen one before...she was sure there were creatures on Asgard that would unnerve her too, though she liked to believe that she wouldn’t scream. But for the god of Thunder to also be arachnophobic? Really? “It’s fine Thor. I promise.”

“I...” he looked hesitantly at the box of fruit and took a ginger step forward, peering back into the tub. “I...believe I will break my fast with something else.”

Natasha knew if she didn’t deal with it now for Thor it would be one of the others later, and honestly she didn’t think she could deal with the sight of Captain America hyperventilating over it. She sighed and brushed past him. She picked the creature up by one leg. Thor flinched back as it twisted in her grip, contorting its body and waving the remaining seven legs. His face, there was no other word for it, was impressed. He gave a slight bow towards her, “You are truly a great warrior Lady Natasha,” he said gravely. “I knew of your prowess in battle, but it is clear your bravery does not extend merely to the field of combat.”

Natasha was half tempted to demand that he write an epic song to commemorate her victory over the tiny spider, but she knew that if she even suggested it, Thor would do so and then she’d be obliged to listen to him sing it until it was memorized and Thor might not be embarrassed but she would be. Instead she just snorted her amusement and left to deposit the spider outside with an order over her shoulder for Thor to make her more toast.

 

**5: Steve**

The fifth time, it wasn’t even a spider, not really. She was in the front room, spread over the smaller of the two sofas, attention devoted to the book in her hands which she was determined to finish today while it was just her and Steve in the tower because she was pretty sure he didn’t know what _Twilight_ was, which meant she could find out if Bella got with Edward in the end or if the stupid girl finally realised Jacob was a better match without fear of being mocked mercilessly. Steve himself was on the larger sofa opposite her. He was reading too, Tony having finally having pushed _Harry Potter_ on him.

She was less than impressed to be wrenched out of Forks by Steve letting out a disgusted, horrified noise and shutting the book with a snap. “What?”

“I thought these books were for children!” Steve sounded appalled and shaky.

Natasha looked over the cover of her own book and regarded Steve. Her mind raced, trying to think if there was anything in the books which might upset Steve’s 1940s sensibilities, but she could think of nothing. Besides, Steve had hardly been prejudiced, had adapted to the social norms of the twenty first century with impressive ease. She raised a questioning eyebrow.

Steve picked up the book with tentative fingers, flicking until he found his page and reading, “...he had to pull a spider off one of them. Harry was used to spiders because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that’s where he slept.” He gave a full body shudder and closed the book again. “I can’t even...how is that acceptable?”

For a long, and very satisfying moment, Natasha fantasised about throwing her book at him. She didn’t, it wouldn’t do to crease the pages after Pepper had been kind enough to lend it to her after all. She stood with the slow, lethal grace that had cracked many a person she had been interrogating without her having to do or say anything. “I am going to my room,” she said calmly, “You are not going to disturb me with your nonsense unless a spider is three foot or less from you.”

Steve nodded slowly and kept his eyes on her as she sauntered for the door.

“Oh and Steve?”

“Yes ma’am?”

She narrowed her eyes slightly, but he didn’t seem to be being sarcastic. Natasha felt pleased with herself that she was still capable of being so frightening. She had been worrying that the Avengers had made her soft. “You might want to skip book two all together.”

 

**+1: Natasha**

They were all going to make fun of her but there was really nothing else for it. Much as she hated to admit it she was going to have to, was going to have to say something because she couldn’t share the tower with that _thing_ she just couldn’t. Even the thought made her shake and want to weep. It took every ounce of her resolve and strength to enter the room. She stayed by the door, none of the others eve looked up, too busy sprawling on the floor playing with creature Clint had brought home.

Natasha tried to regard it dispassionately. It was tiny, barely as big as a loaf of bread and its overlong brown ears kept flopping into its face. It was, she supposed, from her position at the door which allowed an easy retreat, sweet. But it was also only a baby, it would get bigger, possibly much bigger and it would love all of them, consider them its pack mates and jump up to greet them. And it would be loud and just the thought set Natasha shaking again, “Hey,” she said from the door.

No one even looked at her. Tony was a squirming, giggling pile as the puppy licked his face. Natasha wrenched her gaze away from the sight, just watching it move its teeth that close to Tony’s face and throat made her skin itch. She cleared her throat and spoke louder. “Hey!”

This time a few heads turned in her direction. At the look on her face the happy smiles fell instantly off their faces. “You alright Tash?” Clint asked, standing and moving towards her slightly, “you look...sick.”

“I...I...” she cleared her throat, took a breath and looked right at him. “I’m scared of dogs.” Her tone and expression dared him to laugh.

There was a beat of silence and something almost electric passed through the four men still clustered around the puppy on the floor. Natasha had the distinct impression they were communicating without her, but before she could say anything, or object in any way, Tony was speaking. “It’s fine. He’s not staying. I’m just taking him down to Happy now.” He picked the puppy up by the scruff of its neck, letting the others pet it briefly to say goodbye. He moved to stand next to Clint and paused, giving her time to edge away from the door and allow him to pass without bringing her too close to it and left.

Natasha glared around the room, waiting for some remark or another, but the others had already returned to the ongoing tower discussion of whether or not the Christmas Special of _Doctor Who_ would be multi doctor or not. Clint brushed her gently on the shoulder and she whirled, ready. He smiled easily and held up a placating hand. “We all get rid of things the others are scared of.”

Natasha snorted. “Oh please. Dogs have teeth that can rip your throat out, you’re scared of a type of insect.”

“Spiders aren’t insects actually, they’re arachnids,” Bruce interjected helpfully.

“Still...” Natasha said, giving him a deliberately doubtful look.

“You should just be grateful you get to stay here, with your code name and all,” Tony said seriously.

“Be honest Tony, you checked how many legs she had before you invited her didn’t you?” Steve teased.

Natasha raised an eyebrow, but her cynical expression did nothing to hide her amusement.

“I sense now is the perfect time for a prank war,” Clint said grandly.

Tony’s face lit with a truly evil grin, the type that would have made Fury re-check the plans for what to do if Stark went evil. He turned to Bruce, “Truce?”

“Hey that’s not fair!”

“What is this prank war?”

“I have a great idea...”

“I have a tarantula in my bedroom.” There was silence as five pairs of horrified eyes swivelled to her. Natasha gave a wide smile this time. “Just thought you should know before you tried anything in there.”

Tony sighed. “I think Natasha wins,” he said morosely.

 


End file.
